Today is my anniversary...our anniversary. Four years ago today I married my....
Fierce Love.
What is fierce love, you ask? Let me tell you about her...
Fierce Love is the most loyal companion I could ask for; quick with a smile, and just as quick to put me in my place. Fierce Love rages when I have been done wrong, desiring justice on my behalf. Fierce Love forgives me over and over again when I am a jackass, which is all too often. She can be tenderly violent and violently tender. Fierce love see's the best in me and believes in me. She patiently listens to my endless plethora of rants and raves relating to worship, child-rearing, poor customer service, grace, religious people,politics, and all my Lotro characters. Fierce love...We are certainly not calm or quiet...but we knew that going into this thing.
And fierce love holds me...she refuses to quit or give up on us, even when it would be a whole hell of a lot easier than fighting with me....again. Yes, we fight...not physically, but almost as violently. Fierce love can curse like a sailor...meekness? Well lets just say we are working on that one. We are trying, asking God for a spirit of meekness, but in the middle of a fight...who wants to be meek...I want to win...to be right...and sometimes she lets me.
Fierce Love scolds me when I beat myself up, when I don't love myself the way that Christ loves me. When I devalue myself, I am calling God a liar, because He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Yes, she reminds me of who I am called to be.
Fierce Love laughs with me and cries with me. She thinks the fact that I cry when I'm happy or when I see beauty... is a strength.
Fierce love dances...It is one of my favorite sights these days. I come into the living room, the music is cranked up, and Fierce Love is dancing, often while holding Anna...and Noah is flailing his arms & heaving his body...and laughing hysterically as he dances with his Mommy...with my Fierce Love.
Fierce Love never quits on me, even when it would be easy...even when I give her reasons to quit...maybe I even push her to quit, just to see if she will. After all, so many others have quit on me...or me on them. But not Fierce Love...she never quits...and she won't let me quit either.
Fierce Love holds my hand and walks with me...She celebrates life with me and our children. Fierce Love takes my breath away...
And to think...Her love is nothing...
Compared to....
His Love...
His love is perfect...
and perfectly Fierce.
Quitting
So, I have always been a quitter. I have no will-power...never have. And my track record from long ago shows me as a guy who runs when things get too hard. That was BC...but it's funny; some things don't just "magically" change when we get born again. I have wondered about this on and off for years and have had to accept that "His ways are NOT my ways". Here is an example of what I mean: I was instantly set free of drugs and alcohol almost 18 years ago. I mean TOTALLY free, after years of being an alcoholic & drug addict...instantly...no withdrawal, no cravings...just Jesus...he wrecked and rearranged my life...and yet....I wasn't set free from tobacco. I don't understand. Please don't get me wrong; I'm not blaming God for my tobacco jones...I have used all types of justifications...maybe it's just the "hook" that keeps me aware of my need for Him. Well, that's just plain ludicrous...I assure you...my need for Him & His grace goes MUCH deeper than my addiction to smokeless tobacco & I am keenly aware of my deep sense of need.
Here's another one: I get set free, but others don't. Now I'm not talking about "emotional decision salvations"; I am talking about folks who get radically transformed by a divine encounter with Jesus, who pursue Him for the rest of their days....and yet...they may daily have to battle addiction...It becomes a big deal for them not to go use crack or meth or whatever. I know some of my brothers who are a bit more reformed than me will question if they are really born again, and that is certanly a question that must be considered and trembled over by them and those who love them...but...I also fear it may be the reformed mans easy answer for not having an answer; one of those gray areas that we just don't have full understanding on...and it's not comfortable.
But alas, this post has gotten way off track from what I intended to write. & weeks ago we strated the Medifast diet...I did great til Superbowl Sunday & then ate some junk food, with the full intention of getting back on the program the next day...that has been weeks ago and I'm not there yet. I'm struggling...I have re-started multiple times...and I do pretty good til late in the day, I get hungry, or I crave something, and I say screw it...and eat what I want...I wish I had never quit. It seems that God had given me a grace the first time...it really was easy...and now it's not. Isn't that just like me? Like us?
We want it easy...we want an easy life, easy job, easy school, easy God...I mean c'mon...a God who demands something...anything...of us...well that's jsut not fair. The world demands enough of us....can't we be the ones to demand of our Santa-Claus God? After all, an easy life is our RIGHT, isn't it? Just bless me Lord...thats what your there for, right?
God have mercy on us...on ME...we are so screwed up and I am the chief of screw-up thinkers. We have no right to easy...in fact, if we are true followers of Jesus, I would say we have no rights at all...we have become slaves...
So today, I take the hard road...I am trying once again to get back on the extreme personal makeover plan. I have repented and I am relying on His grace...just for today...to not quit...He never quit on me. I'd love some feedback from ya'll....
Here's another one: I get set free, but others don't. Now I'm not talking about "emotional decision salvations"; I am talking about folks who get radically transformed by a divine encounter with Jesus, who pursue Him for the rest of their days....and yet...they may daily have to battle addiction...It becomes a big deal for them not to go use crack or meth or whatever. I know some of my brothers who are a bit more reformed than me will question if they are really born again, and that is certanly a question that must be considered and trembled over by them and those who love them...but...I also fear it may be the reformed mans easy answer for not having an answer; one of those gray areas that we just don't have full understanding on...and it's not comfortable.
But alas, this post has gotten way off track from what I intended to write. & weeks ago we strated the Medifast diet...I did great til Superbowl Sunday & then ate some junk food, with the full intention of getting back on the program the next day...that has been weeks ago and I'm not there yet. I'm struggling...I have re-started multiple times...and I do pretty good til late in the day, I get hungry, or I crave something, and I say screw it...and eat what I want...I wish I had never quit. It seems that God had given me a grace the first time...it really was easy...and now it's not. Isn't that just like me? Like us?
We want it easy...we want an easy life, easy job, easy school, easy God...I mean c'mon...a God who demands something...anything...of us...well that's jsut not fair. The world demands enough of us....can't we be the ones to demand of our Santa-Claus God? After all, an easy life is our RIGHT, isn't it? Just bless me Lord...thats what your there for, right?
God have mercy on us...on ME...we are so screwed up and I am the chief of screw-up thinkers. We have no right to easy...in fact, if we are true followers of Jesus, I would say we have no rights at all...we have become slaves...
So today, I take the hard road...I am trying once again to get back on the extreme personal makeover plan. I have repented and I am relying on His grace...just for today...to not quit...He never quit on me. I'd love some feedback from ya'll....
Distractions 2010 (with thanks to Justin Rizzo)
"It's amazing how many things I can do, to keep myself from remembering how far I really am away from You." -Justin Rizzo
When this came up on my Facebook page, it stopped me in my tracks. Justin Rizzo is a worship leader & intercessory missionary at IHOP-KC & he posted this as his status update earlier this week and I have been chewing on it since then. It wounds me....it pierces me in the deepest place with it's blade of truth. Distractions have once again placed themselves on the throne of my heart. Oh, how subtle and sneaky they are, these little devils of distraction, and they take many forms: religious activity, family matters, comfort, entertainment...all the activities of my mind & my hands...ANYTHING....just so long as I don't have to be still & quiet and face the reality....that You are altogether NOT like me and I am not striving daily to be like You.
I wrote an extended piece about this very thing several years ago, when I spent a month at IHOP-KC. My first wife, Denise, had passed away & I went there to wrestle with the grief & to allow the Lord to heal me. Itis interesting to go back and read it now...here is the link, if you are interested. "Replacement Lovers"
